Many feel that telling someone to be aware that their spouse/partner is betraying them makes the messenger complicit in shattering the marriage. In either scenario ask them, “Down the road, five, 10, 20 years from now, wouldn’t you be more upset, mad, even furious you’d wasted all these years in a deceptive relationship, especially knowing someone could have told you the truth?” Based on what I experienced, as well as some of my friends, the turmoil of living your life in a environment with a cheater is crippling. I had to read it on the Internet four years and a million tears later. But in spite of the fact that a whole department went to HR to complain, no one thought to mention it to me. My ex and the co-worker he was a having an affair with caused a scandal in their workplace. If they choose to ignore the information, at least you’ve done your due diligence. Tell them that you hope the information might explain suspicions they may already have and assure them that your only agenda is being honest. In situations where you don’t personally know the person, but have strong, first-hand knowledge, I encourage you to drop them a note, give them the details you do know. (Don’t even get me started on what cheating can do to family finances, job security, and other key areas of one’s life, all of which I am now well aware of.) Also, as I know first hand, extra marital sex is unsafe, exposing people to potential health risk, if not affecting their mental well-being. Keep reminding them you are only telling them the truth because you honestly care and respect them as sorry as you feel having to tell them, you would feel extremely sorry if their future was compromised by allowing the deception to continue. If you know the person being cheated on well enough, you should tell them in person, providing the details you know. There is an etiquette in these situations that I recommend. Someone stepping out of their comfort zone, providing some key facts would have been all I needed to confirm what I was hesitate to face up to. But only up to a point.) Nothing was worth the years that I allowed him to convince me I was crazy for questioning him while I raised our children, washed his underwear, and sent his mother letters praising him for being such a wonderful husband and father.
(My ex worked 300 miles away, so it was denial by distance in my case. But it’s only after you have the information that you can stop whoever is doing it to you and what you are doing to yourself as a consequence. The very act of denial is self-victimization. As far as I’m concerned, everyone who chose not to tell me walked away from the scene of a wreck and that wreck, unbeknownst to me, was my life. It would have been a gift, jolting me out of the state of denial that I’d apparently taken up residence in almost from the day I married.
Family members actually knew and could have told me, which is especially sad. Any one of them could have used facts and sent me an anonymous note or made a call. Dozens of people had first-hand knowledge for yearsabout my ex’s chronic infidelity. A thankless position to be in, but I wish someone had told me.
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